Today was a good day, me and my friend drove around for four hours with no direction what so ever. I really needed to get away, those four hours were possibly the closes thing to having a vacation in the past two and a half years. My friend had planned the trip for the three of us, but things never work out as planned, one of my friends bailed on us. The driver my friend gooch really didn't seem to want to go at first, but I guess when we both realized that seeing the same thing over and over again each day was eating away at our sanity he looked at me and said "kyle this is all to familiar to me lets get the hell out of hear" I looked at him and said I've got twenty bucks for gas, lets fucking roll.

Long story short we made it about 15 min's outside of PA, stoped at a baja fresh and went home. I probably could have asked for a better vacation than that, it was cheap and did not take up my whole day.If I did not get out of this town for a few hours I would have probably lost it.

I work in the city trashing out homes for realitors, I honestly can say I'm not a racist, but the way some of these people live just makes me depressed looking at them. On average I probably see 10 to 15 drug deals go down a day, mind you that we do about three different trash out's a day in different areas in the city, so that's about 5 drug deals on one street a day.

Nothing every changes, the past three weeks seem like one big blur, I guess from seeing the same things over and over again you realize your wasting precious time. When I'm working all I think about is work and getting the job done, I don't stop, but when we are driving to the next job I dream of what I could be doing right now If I were off and when I am off I cant think of anything better to do than sit in and wait for an opportunity to go out and get shit faced with my friends. What kind of life is this? While driving today gooch was rambling on about how after the police academy he is going to buy a house and than a boat and ended with "And that's the rest of my life kyle, I have plans, I don't have plans, I have goals in life." My first immediate thought was why? I didn't say anything back, but picture ran through my head like someone strapped me in a chair and sat me in front a projector screen with my eye glued open thinking of so many different reasons why I would not want that kind of life. I also thought what kind of life am I working towards?

I'm 20 years old and still in community college, trying to figure out what the hell I want to do with my life. For an hour after that little conversation me and gooch had everything he said went in one ear and out the other as I thought of what my next big move in life was. I know I don't want to get married, that might change though, I know I don't want to live in a plain house and be a big stiff all of my life, I would love to travel the world see the different places different cultures, but most in importantly I don't want to be a screw up and have to live pay check to pay check eeking through life. My mother has tried her best to provide for our family, and my father with all his addictions is doing the same.

I would mostly want to do something that both of them could extremely proud of me for, so they can say my son made something of his life, and my family won't look at me as the black sheep anymore, well I really could careless about that , everyone in my family has problems mine are just the most noticeable, I'm not a drug addict or a thief, gay, or anything bad I'm just a little different. I guess I want different things out of life than what I was taught by them. For example fucking girls was beat into my head from day one, every single night it was lets go get some ass! Which I thought was normal, but if I could take it back I probably wouldn't have rushed it so much and told them to fuck off and did my own thing, but I only had half a brain back then. Going out to shows, drinking with a couple real friends, playing guitar, night skating, and just going places with friends would have been cool, cause women are always going to be around, there driving me crazy as we speak and I'm pretty sure I'm doing the same to them as well.

It's getting late I need to get ready for the night and work tomorrow.